This episode of my life is directed to my adult children and grandchildren, with the hope that you will more fully understand how and why I married Merle. Some of you were very young and most of you were not yet born And, your spouses know only what they’ve been told second-hand.
Taylor is the only one brave enough to have asked me outright, why I got divorced. My answer to him was that “Grandpa Ben decided he didn’t want to be married to me any more, and he married Grandma June after we got divorced.”
This is to help you understand some of the rest of the story.
We (Ben and I) had been living in very tight circumstances for close to ten years, during which years most of our children were born. There was a recession, jobs and money were scarce, there were few, if any, grants available to help us get a better education, and we accumulated debts, all of which placed us both under a lot of pressure and strain. Ben worked mostly at sales commission jobs. I remember having to choose between buying a cheap pair of tennis shoes for a child who really needed them and buying a gallon of milk. I couldn’t afford both. We felt we couldn’t afford to pay tithing. This was a big mistake. We had family prayers but not family home evening or scripture reading together, because Ben worked extra jobs in the evenings. We did attend Church every week but I felt like we were putting up a “big front.”
I choose not to retell of the months leading up to the divorce, because it’s too painful, with one exception. Shortly before “the end” came, Ben became very sick and was hospitalized twice for extremely high fevers caused by hepatitis. [He says it was something else but Karen and I both caught it. We had priesthood blessings. She recovered in a week and I recovered in two weeks. Ben took much longer. The boys were given gamma-globulin shots to help prevent them from getting it. I recall the terrible stomach cramps I got each time after eating. Ben’s brother Terry said he probably had a permanent personality change from the fevers.] The “last straw” occurred when I found some pornographic magazines under our bed and I thought to myself, “I’ve got these pre-teen boys to raise, and I have to get them away from this kind of environment.” [I didn't think girls had porn problems in those days.]
We separated in February 1971. I filed for divorce shortly after. In July the court date was scheduled for about the 19th. A few weeks before that I was feeling very depressed. Late one night I was curled up in a tight ball, lying on the living room floor and crying and praying all at the same time. I told Heavenly Father that I was not meant to raise these six children alone. I asked for a person who would (1) like kids, (2) would be a Mormon or at least let me practice my religion as I chose, (3) had a stable income, and (4) would like me for myself, and not have to play silly kids’ dating games. The thought that came into my mind was that the Lord doesn’t work against his own laws, and I would have to wait until the divorce was final.
Meanwhile, my friend, Shirley Poyfair, was going out of town. She handed me a copy of our singles group newsletter and told me about a single man [Merle] in another ward, whom we should invite to the activities. She asked me to mail the newsletter to him, which I agreed to do. However, I decided to deliver it in person and went to his home. I was only at his front door for a few minutes but, seemingly left a favorable impression on him. I only weighed 117 pounds at the time, which helped. I forgot to tell him my name, so he contacted Shirley a few days later and arranged for all of us and my two oldest sons and Shirley’s two oldest sons to go to a singles family bowling activity. Merle spent the whole time teaching the boys how to bowl, and wondering which woman he would invite out to dinner. Shirley had a baby she needed to pick up at her babysitters’ so I got invited out to dinner. I think my other kids went with their dad that night.
During that dinner I learned Merle was a Latter-day Saint, an Elder but had never been to the temple. He had been divorced from Alice about two years. He was a computer programmer with a steady job. Merle learned that I would be going to court on Monday, and that I was taking my kids out to Lewisville Park that same evening to go swimming. The judge granted the uncontested divorce that day but it was not considered final until the attorney’s fee was paid on August 2nd. Merle just sort of showed up while we were eating our picnic, and endeared himself to the kids while they rough-housed in the water with him. He met all four of my criteria. The Lord’s timing was so accurate it was almost scarey. We went on more dates. When Merle told his mother he was thinking of marrying a woman with six kids, she told him, “Oh, kids have a way of growing up,” which meant he had her approval. Merle and I, each having previously been married and in the prime of life, felt a strong physical attraction, and it seemed like a logical next step for us to get married, because neither of us wanted to commit adultery. We had a whirlwind courtship and were married by Bishop Roy King on August 27, 1971 in Vancouver. I had to wait a couple of years to get a cancellation of my temple sealing, but we were sealed in the Oakland Temple on March 30, 1974. I hope I did the right thing. Ben had broken his temple covenants and that was no trivial matter.
I recognize that we should have taken more time for the kids to adjust to the new situations, and the fact that Ben had married June P. on August 16th. Merle did not counsel with his kids either. I thought that the Lord had answered my prayer so quickly and specifically, that all would work out, and I did not give the kids a chance to participate in the decision. I will say that Merle did a great job of raising my children while Ben went off and had the career he really wanted. He did not spend much time with the kids until years later, after he retired from his job as County Assessor. We were more amicable and respectful of each other after the divorce than before, and never used the kids as “spies” to get information. We did not talk down about each other in front of them. We did have “discussions” over who paid for what. Also, Merle and I did not disagree about discipline in front of the kids, but worked it out in private later on.
I believe the kids led fairly normal lives as if they were in a 2-parent family. We did not move far away so they kept their friends at school and church. Merle and I set a goal for me to work for a year to pay off the debts I incurred from the divorce [we met the goal and moved into our home on 16th Ave. In June 1972] and then I could be a stay-at-home mom. We attended church regularly, paid tithing regularly and held family prayer and family home evenings regularly. Merle was called into the bishopric. I became a Primary President. We supported the kids’ school and church activities. Merle taught them how to be good workers, which they have thanked him for many times. They have all had the opportunity to learn to love white-water rafting, a legacy passed down to the next generation as well, by Merle.
In looking back over these 40 years, I see why Satan tried so hard to break up this family. Four of my five sons went on church missions, and Merle’s two sons as well. They each married in the temple except one who died unmarried. At this time 2012, seven grandsons have also served missions and Merle and I served a couple mission. There are several more who plan to go. Two granddaughters have been married in the temple, so far. Of my sons, two have served as bishops [one later in a stake presidency, the other a high councilor] and another son has been a bishop’s councilor. I believe we will yet have more serving in leadership capacities. Most of them have college degrees, some post-graduate degrees, hold good jobs and have chosen wives who are good counterparts. They are good family men. Our two daughters are successful in their careers.
Although this seems like a success story, we’ve had some problems. Not all of the kids are active in Church. We pray for them. Mine were born in the covenant and there is a promise that they will come back in due time of the Lord. Merle’s family has been more resentful of me being their stepmother and I pray that in time their hearts will be softened. I believe I have done the best I could with the challenges I’ve been given in my life.
I love each one of you and your devotion and love for serving the Lord. We have a very special family. Each one of you has above average intelligence and gifts, are healthy, handsome or beautiful, well educated, and have meaningful jobs and church callings. You are blessed beyond measure. Please live up to your potentials so we can be together in the Celestial Kingdom. One of the attributes I’m best known for is researching and collecting family history and I want more than anything else, to have a loving and supportive family in the eternities.
Sincerely your mother and grandmother,
Lois K, March 20, 2012
I invite your feedback, especially from family members
